Five Surprises for Divorced Moms Who Become Stepmoms

Same but totally different expectations

If you're a divorced mom who’s become a stepmother, then you totally get the role. You're used to — automatically and without conscious thought — scoping out:

• who's doing what

• who needs what

• how to either give it to them, or do it for them

• or ask that they do it for themselves, or someone else.

But jumping into the Mom role with someone you didn't make children with and kids you didn't make is a different animal altogether.

It's not that it's inherently bad, because it's not. There are a million things you might love about this experience, including a fantastic partner, amazing kids and a wonderful life you're creating together.

But… you don't have the benefit of unconditional love on your side, smoothing over the edges of difficult experiences or a different family culture, with its own unspoken rules and habits.

And you also don't have the benefit of a mother's power and voice, which might simply look like, "Hey! I've asked you three times now to put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Do it NOW or I’ll run over your cell phone with my car!" like you would with your own kids.

Parenting without those two tools in your arsenal can be frustrating and disorienting.

The advice is crazy-making

I've heard it said a million times now, "Where is the manual on how to do this stepmom gig?"

If you're looking for some helpful guidelines, lucky for you, they're super clear, consistent and splattered all over the internet:

• Just be yourself. / But also, rein yourself in and you'll be fine.

• Make sure to set clear, consistent boundaries. / But also, step back, so you don't step on toes.

• It's your house too, so don't be afraid to be a hard-ass. / But also, be gentle or you’ll hurt people and your stepfamily/relationship will implode from the inside out.

• Make your relationship a priority. / But also, this family existed before you did, so it's up to you to bend and fit in.

With a cacophony of voices all shouting YES! or NO! at you, it's hard to pick an approach to try. But how can you, when one well-written article seems to cancel out the next?

It helps to go back to the basics.

Rethink the shape of your family

Sometimes, hearing old family stories might give you a funny feeling in your stomach. You might wish you could have had kids with your partner.

You might not like the feeling of ghosts from another lifetime — albeit an important one that shaped your partner, and obviously his kids, into the people they are now — hovering around the edges of your life.

When you're married in a nuclear family, the circle is around all of you - and that's it.

Everyone else is outside of it. No gaps. No blurriness. No ifs or maybes.

But when that circle breaks up, you can't entirely make a solid, new one in a stepfamily. The gaps are always present and open, because they must be.

That is something you likely accept out of respect, but also feel tender and regretful about.

A crash course without an end date 

If you paid good money to go off on a two-week silent retreat where you learned how to master your tongue, your habits and your well-developed ideas about "how things should be and why," you might just come home feeling renewed and revitalized.

Because you chose the experience. You willingly signed up to be challenged.

Living that experience on a daily basis?

Ugh.

Where’s all the time to digest these mind-blowing new insights, followed by the relief of gradually sliding back into your "normal" life, doing things the way you've always done them?

No such luck. Now the lessons come fast and furious.

You’re brave and this is worth doing

Some days, it feels like you've gotten not only one pie in the face, but two or three. Maybe those times are few and far between, but when an evening ends in tears, you remember it.

Divorced moms who become stepmoms often develop a newfound respect for all stepmoms and the heartache, hurt, resentment, anger and confusion that can come with that role. Hopefully, you’ll keep learning how to be present with love, forgiveness and understanding.

Yes, this shit can be hard.

But when you feel it working, you know you're doing something you can be proud of.